In relationships, there’s a vital ingredient often spoken of but rarely understood: emotional availability. It’s more than just being present; it’s the ability to connect openly, respond honestly, and share your inner world with a partner. For many, this can feel like a daunting task, a skill we’re not taught in school. But the good news is that emotional availability isn’t a fixed trait—it’s a muscle that can be strengthened.
If you’ve ever found yourself struggling to open up, or have been told you’re a little guarded, this is your roadmap. It’s a journey of self-discovery that can transform your relationships, allowing for deeper, more fulfilling connections.
Before you can connect with someone else, you must first connect with yourself. A lack of emotional availability often stems from a fear of vulnerability, a learned habit of protecting yourself from hurt. To dismantle these walls, you must first understand them.
How To Become Emotionally Available
1. Acknowledge and Understand Your Feelings
The foundation of emotional availability is self-awareness. Many of us have been taught to suppress difficult emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. The first step is to simply acknowledge what you’re feeling without judgment. When a strong emotion arises, don’t push it away.
Instead, ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling right now?’ and ‘Why am I feeling this way?’ This practice builds your emotional vocabulary and helps you recognise the triggers that cause you to shut down. By getting comfortable with your own emotions, you’ll be better equipped to share them with a partner.
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2. Identify Your Emotional Walls
Why do you find it difficult to open up? Think back to past experiences. Were you hurt after sharing something deeply personal? Did a parent or a past partner dismiss your feelings? Or were you taught that showing emotion was a sign of weakness? Identifying the origins of your emotional walls is a crucial step towards taking them down.
Acknowledging that these protective barriers were built to keep you safe in the past allows you to understand they may no longer be necessary in a healthy relationship.
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Once you have a better understanding of yourself, you can begin to build a bridge towards your partner. This involves changing behaviours and actively practicing new habits.
3. Practice Active and Empathetic Listening
Emotional availability is a two-way street. Before you can expect your partner to understand you, you must first make a genuine effort to understand them. Put your phone away, make eye contact, and listen to what they’re saying without interrupting or formulating your own response.
Instead of offering a solution, try validating their feelings with phrases like, ‘That sounds really tough,’ or ‘I can see why you’d feel that way.’ This not only makes your partner feel heard but also teaches you how to engage with emotions in a supportive, non-judgmental way.
4. Start with Small, Vulnerable Shares
Opening up doesn’t mean you have to share your deepest, darkest secrets on the first date. Start with small, low-risk shares. Instead of just saying ‘I’m fine,’ when asked how your day was, try saying, ‘I had a bit of a frustrating meeting at work today, but I’m looking forward to relaxing now.’
This invites a deeper conversation and shows your partner that you’re willing to be more than just superficially “fine.” Over time, these small acts of vulnerability will build trust and make it easier to share more significant emotions.
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5. Embrace Your Imperfections
Many people avoid emotional availability because they feel they must be perfect. They worry that showing flaws or moments of weakness will make them less attractive or desirable. The truth is, authenticity is far more appealing than a manufactured image of perfection.
A partner who loves you will appreciate your honesty and see your vulnerability as a sign of strength, not weakness. By accepting your own imperfections, you create a safe space for your partner to accept them as well.
6. Learn to ‘Fight Fair’
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. Emotionally available partners don’t run from arguments; they face them head-on, constructively. This means expressing your own needs and feelings without resorting to blame or personal attacks.
It’s about saying, ‘I feel hurt when you do X,’ instead of, ‘You always hurt me.’ By learning to ‘fight fair,’ you show that you’re committed to working through issues as a team, strengthening the relationship rather than damaging it.
A New Way of Being
Becoming emotionally available is a journey that requires courage and patience. It’s about unlearning old habits and embracing a new way of relating to both yourself and others. As you practice these habits, you’ll not only see your current relationships flourish but also find that you are better equipped to form new, healthy, and deeply fulfilling connections in the future.
